Drink, Pray, Love or Fix You

I’m not sure if lights have guided me home, but getting back home has included a twice broken heart, supportive friends, tarot cards, meditation, the Sedona Vortex, Mexico {more on that later,} an astrological reading, and getting with God on a spiritual level like I never have before.  All which lead me to ultimately dig through the bullshit to get with myself like I never have before.

Drink, Pray, Love or Fix You

What I Have Learned

I have learned that I always try my best but I don’t always succeed.  And that’s okay.  I have majorly failed in my relationships.  My marriage was a flop for lots of reasons. I failed with Mr. Big because of stuff I was bringing to him that had nothing to do with him.  Instead, they were things I hadn’t dealt with in my failed marriage. I didn’t see it at the time, but I see it now.  He was what I wanted, but at the time, not what I needed.  Which is probably true about my ex-husband as well.

I still get insecure, and that’s okay, too.  I’m good at spotting it now.  It’s taken a lot of self-reflection, and a little bit of tequila to get to this spot mentally.

I started, and finished what I called “my super-secret project.”  Without these experiences, I never would have started it at all.  “It” was writing a book.  An entire book.  A goal I’ve had since I can remember, but something was always blocking me from taking the step to actually do it.

It’s a novel.  Historical fiction if you will.  The only problem is I finished it almost a year ago and something else is blocking me from moving forward with it.  I still have work to do to figure out why, but I’m guessing it has something to do with my fear of failure.  Or my fear of success.  WTF do you do when you have both?  You get stuck.  Case in point.

I learned that having your tarot cards read, your aura read, and your astrological sign read can be fun, but all were necessary in reminding me what I already knew about myself but I had forgotten long ago.  While I love and adore my close friends, I needed strangers to reinforce what I already knew.

Most importantly, the spiritual component – God, the Universe, or whatever you choose to call it- has been instrumental in this process.  Bible study, occasionally going to church and just getting in touch with something larger than myself has been a good reminder that anything is possible because, well, anything is possible.

I learned about reiki and I really enjoyed it and it taught me how to meditate.  The anxiety I was nearly crippled with two years ago is almost completely gone.  When I start going off the rails, I sit and breathe to quite my mind.  The quite mind is key.  It’s also the hardest part, especially for a seasoned overthinker. But I’ve done an amazing job and I’m going to pat myself on the back.

I learned that sometimes you need to go back to therapy.  And that’s okay.  I hadn’t been in two years, but I found myself in a horrible funk this summer where I felt stuck in reverse.  I was doing all these things to help get me what I want, and I was hitting walls at every turn.  Bang your head against enough walls and there’s only so much positive thinking you can do.

I’ve also learned that while my therapist doesn’t say anything I don’t already know, just talking to her creates calm and relief.  She supported my thinking that not one area of my life was going well.  This actually felt nice that someone else saw it, too, and it wasn’t just me.  She told me I was doing all the right things to achieve my goals and eventually they would pay off.

Within a month, she was right. I have been pleasantly surprised by a couple of things that presented themselves to me which I wasn’t expecting.  I have learned that I like pleasant surprises.

In the end, life is full of choices and how do you know you’re making the right one?  Because in the wise words of Eckhart Tolle:

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your conscientiousness. How do you know this is the experience you need?  Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.”

Letting go, having faith that it all works out the way it’s supposed to, and going with the flow instead of trying to control it, are all the lessons I’ve learned.

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