Let’s Talk About Sex, Baby

Salt-N-Peppa probably weren’t thinking about a bunch of 5th graders when they rapped about sex, you and me, all the good things, and the bad things that may be.  But this is my reality.  Growing and Changing, aka Sex Ed, started this week for my daughter’s 5th grade class.  My daughter is 10 years-old and much too innocent to be learning about the ins and outs, pun intended, of sex.  But what is a good age to talk about sex with your kids?

At a recent parent meeting, we learned that the boys are very interested in periods, while the girls only want to know if giving birth hurts.  Yes, yes it does.  Especially when you’re in labor for so long, your epidural wears off and you can move your left leg freely.  And when you show your doctor you can move your left leg freely, and he goes “Oh” in a shocked and surprised tone, it’s not a good thing.

The teachers have found the best approach to Sex Ed is to yell “Penis, penis, penis” right off the bat to get all the giggles out.  Once the kids get over that word, they are usually okay.  I still can’t get past that word without acting like a 14-year-old girl telling her friends she’s seen one.

Only 14-year-old girls aren’t telling their friends they’ve seen one, they’re telling their friends they’ve had one in their mouth.  5th graders are learning about blow jobs, because teachers found that by the time they were teaching oral sex in 7th grade, so many of them were already engaging in the activity, it was too late.  Also, news flash, you can get an STD from a blow job.  Or from rolling your R’s where the sun don’t shine.  Super gonorrhea.  It’s real.

I don’t know what a good age to talk about sex with your kids is, all I know is my daughter kept asking me questions about a surrogate because of Fuller House.  By the third time she asked, wanting to know why a woman would just freely give up her baby to Stephanie, who couldn’t have one of her own, I knew the gig was up.

We were eating frozen yogurt and it was the perfect time.  I explained how that particular baby was made, about sperm, and the egg, and that the woman was just housing the baby until it was born.  I then told her, in a normal scenario the mom and dad rub their private parts together {I said this while simultaneously rubbing my hands together as if I were warming them by a fire.}

This caused her to cover her ears and yell “Stop talking!!  I’ll learn about it in school!”  Yes, yes you will, starting this week.

Unfortunately, it didn’t end there.  I also had to talk about periods, since that’s a byproduct of a released egg.  So, every time she saw a tampon commercial, she asked what a tampon was used for?  I skirted by that one a few times, until I remembered she had this amazing book, American Girl The Keeping and Caring of You Volume 1.

I handed her the book, turned to the page on periods, told her to sit in the living room and read it and we would discuss it when she was done.  A few minutes later, I heard a blood curdling scream, and an “Oh God, does everyone have to do that?!”  Needless to say, she was terrified of the tampon.  I guess we will save the penis for school…

She is full of questions, and thanks to her book can recite “when blood passes through the cervix into the vagina, that is your period,” and does so any chance she can.  My sister recommended she read Are you There God, it’s Me, Margaret? while I sat across the room vigorously shaking my head NO!  Now she can’t wait to read it.

My parents didn’t talk to us about any of this stuff, so I should be thankful my daughter feels comfortable enough to even ask these questions.  My mom’s philosophy was “There are some things a mother shouldn’t know.”  That meant don’t ask and keep it to yourself.  At the same time, it’s mortifying looking at her sweet, innocent 10-year-old face and thinking, “You have no fucking idea what you’re in for.”

Then again, she has no fucking idea what she’s in for, and I hope she doesn’t figure it out until she’s 25.

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