How to Lose a Guy Part 2 – He’s Just Not That into You

You’ve read How to Lose a Guy in {Approximately} 194 Days Part 1, and we’ve established the undefinable “in between” is not a good place to start a relationship, for me anyway.  I like labels.  They let me know exactly where I stand.  So does being honest about what you want and need from a partner and this is probably where the real problems start.  Expressing feelings is hard.

We had an understanding that I wasn’t interested in dating someone who was dating other people, and I was clear on this issue.  I thought.  I had gone out of town for work and the texting with Mr. Big became intermittent at best.  I was always the one to reach out and start the conversation again.

It was in the back of my mind that if Mr. Big wasn’t texting me, he was obviously texting someone else.  I’m not sure why, because I’m kind of amazing, but he wasn’t getting something from me that he needed and he was still searching for it.

He's Just Not That Into You

It would’ve been easy to just let it go at this point.  But, I liked him and I wasn’t ready to let go because I will cling to any bit of hope you throw my way.

On our first date, Mr. Big told me he was done with dating apps because he was sick of the effort put into meeting someone, only to not have a connection with them.  The perfect time for him to reconsider his stance on dating apps?  When I was out of town.  #Winning

He liked to point out that we weren’t in a serious relationship.  Clearly, he just wasn’t that into me. After more thought, I decided this wasn’t the type of relationship I wanted.  I don’t want to date someone who is constantly looking for something else, making me feel like I’m not enough.

I sent off a “thanks, but no thanks” text at 4 a.m. because being the over thinker I am, I couldn’t sleep.  Don’t send a text at 4 a.m.  Sleep on it, even if you can’t sleep.

His response was what I needed.  He basically told me not to jump off the cliff, and he would delete the apps from his phone.  This game of hot and cold would continue throughout our time together.  Him with the constant texting and then disappearing for days at a time, me with my empathetic heart telling me not to give up, but my intuition telling me he’s not that into me.

The texting was hot, the actually spending time together was cold.  Not that things were bad when we saw each other.  I thought we got along very well and have enough in common that there was always something to talk about.  The problem was, he never wanted to see me which I had a hard time with, and there were times it felt like pulling teeth to get him to open up.

After we saw each other, he had a pattern of pulling back.  So, I stayed in reserved mode.  My justification; he needed space.  What middle aged, single, commitment-phobe wants some anxiety-ridden chick in his life telling him what to do?  Then again, I didn’t want him telling me what to do, either.

We would continue in this pattern for a solid three months and I needed some movement in one direction or the other.  Past the point of a casual relationship, we were doing it, or we weren’t.  I started to ask Mr. Big questions.

Do you even like me?  Dumbest question he’s ever heard.  Do we have chemistry?  Yes, but it’s tentative.

Hi.  It was tentative because we didn’t see each other enough, I obviously liked him more than he liked me, and he was playing mind games which were preventing me from being myself.

I started to think a big part of the problem was that we both had some of the same issues, and I know there are at least two of my issues, well one issue and one habit, that really bothered him.  I could’ve worked harder to address them, but I wasn’t willing to let my guard down easily while I suspected he was waiting for something else to come along.  Wait, I don’t have any issues…

He didn’t want to let me go, but didn’t want to fully engage, so he had to keep me hanging on the end of a string.  Really strong string.  Like, industrial strength.  I clung to it for dear life.

He asked me to be patient with him.  It’s clear he has commitment issues and he wanted to make sure we were on the same page.  That’s okay, I said, I have them too.  And I have patience in spades.

Maybe he is into me.  And then I remember this quote I saw on one of my favorite blogs, Cup of Jo – “If he likes you, you’ll know.  If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”

Neither of us were being honest about what we really wanted.  By now, I wanted more than I said I wanted, and I couldn’t justify in my mind that he said the right things, but wouldn’t make more of an effort.  We were confusing each other.  Or maybe not.

To be continued…

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