“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.” – Amanda Torroni
In the span of a month, Mr. Big dumped me, invited me back to the party with promises he never intended to keep, then decided to leave the party with someone else. This all seems appropriate given the juvenile nature of our relationship.
We got to know each other very well, mostly over text, and in only seeing each other every few weeks we were like two teenagers without access to a car who lived too far apart to walk to each other’s houses. Still, I had no problem coming back, and he had no problem keeping me attached.
I apologized for going bonkers a few nights earlier. I reacted swiftly instead of rationalizing it, but when I figured out they were talking, I immediately went into survival mode. I played dumb and told him I knew she was going to contact him if she hadn’t already. I let him know this made me insecure because I wasn’t sure what his response would be. His response was to come back at me hard.
We were never committed or exclusive and he didn’t want to be harsh, but he never acted like that was what he wanted. What I did was totally unattractive.
Yes, my darling, jumping off the cliff of insecurity is never pretty, but neither is lying. And no, you didn’t act like that was what you wanted, until two weeks prior. Clearly, our communication skills were stellar.
He had hurt me again and he was sorry. My sarcastic tone is hard to decipher and he wasn’t sure if I was being serious. Hell yes I was being serious.
I didn’t really say much, because F**K! He’s not telling me not to jump off the cliff this time, he’s pushing me off of it. I realize not only is he communicating with her, he likes her and there’s no point in me saying anything else.
Mr. Big contacts me the next day; Catholic guilt. I’m not really interested in speaking to him right now, but I respond. From that point on, he stops initiating contact. I however, will contact him several times over the next month because I’m an idiot. And I have a hard time letting go. At this point, he’s trying to peacefully ghost me, but it’s not that easy. There is nothing peaceful about being ghosted.
I needed closure and I needed to say goodbye. By the time I did this, they were in it to win it. All my patience, time spent getting to understand him and accepting his issues – poof! I pointed him in the right direction, and in doing so, I became the sacrificial lamb to make way for his new relationship.
He made it so I wouldn’t give up on him, and then, he gave up on me. Thinking about it now, I was so worried he was going to do this to me, maybe subconsciously I pointed him in that direction, making sure he did do it to me? Deep thoughts…
The worst part for me was, I wanted that relationship for him. I wanted him to be happy. But, I wanted it for myself, too. If it was me, it was me. If not, I wanted him to let me go, but we kept pulling each other back in.
Ultimately, we were incapable and unwilling to be what each other needed at that time. And we played into each other’s insecurities. Not a good place to play.
She’s a typical choice for him, although she’s the type of person he spent six months making me believe he wasn’t interested in. While I was seeking the familiar in him, he went with what was familiar, too. I wasn’t looking to stroke Mr. Big’s ego; I require a deeper connection than that, but he wouldn’t let me get there.
I can’t fault him for doing what was best for him or for following his heart. I can however, fault him for bringing me back into his life with lies, and for using me as collateral while he placed his bet on her.
In the long run, Mr. Big was right, and wrong, for me at the time. He gave me the attention I needed, but I also needed to feel valued; I didn’t, which made me unsure. I could never tell if he liked me and I scared him, or if he just wasn’t that into me, and that kept me an arm’s length away.
Call it intuition, but I was always one step behind him in the bullshit. I had no problem calling him out on it, which wasn’t fun for either of us. Soooo, maybe don’t have shitty behavior? Just a thought…
This relationship hurt me way more than I expected. It was emotional bullshit at it’s finest with promises that were empty, and blanket “I’m sorrys.” My biggest revelation is the fact that not only do I seek this behavior out, but it seeks me out as well.
I don’t hate him. Not at all. He’s a chapter in the book that is my life. And I’m abso-fucking-lutely going to be just fine. So, how does it end?
After a few short weeks of dating, they got engaged. And I realized, in all the questions I asked Mr. Big, I forgot to ask the most important one – What am I to you?