So What’cha Want

What I want, apparently, is to be left alone. Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote The Kiss of Death or Dating Post – Pandemic. Here we are a year later thankful to be alive, with a vaccine. Some places are still in lockdown, some places are mask less and livin’ life and just about everyone ready to get on with it, whatever “it” is.

Here I am a year later still thinking about relationships and will life ever be back to normal and what does it all mean?

The past year was the perfect time to think about life and what we want out of it and how we’re going to get there. It made a lot of people re-evaluate things they thought were important and make changes. Did you watch Good Morning America this week? Former Bachelor, Colton Underwood, took this to heart and did just that.

Many relationships came to an end, many relationships blossomed, and many people will hopefully blossom in their new truth. Then there’s me – stuck in the same pattern.

So What'cha Want

The Pattern

I told you a year ago to download an app called The Pattern. I have enjoyed my daily updates and while the majority of them are me to a tee, some days, it’s not right at all. I have thought about the relationship I want and the type of person I want to be with.

But the problem is, I literally have very little desire to date. I have no interest in finding him right now, which is part of my pattern – avoid it at all costs. While I thought I would have a different outlook a year later, the truth is, I don’t.

I can’t even begin to think about getting on a dating app. Being on them pre-pandemic was already like combing through a pile of dog shit, so I can only imagine what it’s like now with everyone and their pent-up sexual energy. Hook-up culture did not die with the virus, unfortunately. I know because my friends send me horrible dating profiles all the time.

People are still avoiding real intimacy and commitment. Some of the same people who needed to spend the last year examining their lives the most, are the ones who didn’t do it at all.

I however, did do it. The life evaluation thing. In fact, I had a head start in self-examination and I realized part of what’s holding me back in a relationship is me. Mainly because I know I still have things I’m working on and I’d like to be in a different place with my career before I start seriously dating again.

Like actually having one since the pandemic all but wiped out live events. Even when they come back, after some soul searching, I’ve decided I don’t want to work in them anymore. I’m focusing on something else for my career.

What Am I Committed To?

As part of the work to get to the bottom of my pattern, I started thinking about things I am committed to in my life. Clearly, it’s not a human being of the opposite sex, so what is it?

  • Well, I was committed to my family, but I don’t have that commitment anymore, at least not the same way I did. I have always been overly committed to my daughter, but she’s getting ready to go to high school next year and she certainly doesn’t need her helicopter mom hovering nearby. Now is the chance to let her grow her own wings.

While it wasn’t how I planned, I’m glad I’ve been able to help her navigate middle school even if she thinks I’m stupid and I “just don’t understand.” Tell it to Will Smith, sister…

  • I’m committed to my phone. Pre-pandemic my screen time was about three hours per day. During peak pandemic, it was five hours a day. Now it’s four hours per day. Way too much in my opinion, so I’ve made the commitment to not be committed to my phone. When I pass on, I’m going to be so happy I spent so much time on my phone and not with another person {wink, wink}.
  • I’m committed to a new project. As I’ve said before, I wrote a book! But I’ve shopped it around and no one gives a shit about my book. I’m deciding what to do with it. In the meantime, I wrote another book which I’ve decided to self-publish and I have an idea for a third book. I’m going to just keep writing, so be nice to me or you might end up in a book…
  • I’m committed to a new mindset in regards to relationships. I have a habit of committing myself to people who don’t want to be committed to me. But, I’ve decided having a connection with someone and having things in common with them is half the battle, so if the relationship looks a little, or a lot, different than I thought it was going to, so be it. Relationships can be many different things, and they’re not always cut and dry.

Actually, this thought changes daily. Some days I’m fine being friendzoned, others, I want to tell you to go eff yourself. See? I’m not committed to this new way of thinking just yet, but I’m trying…

I know I talk a big game, but in the end the only things I’m truly committed to are my daughter and my career. I would love to be ready for a relationship right now, but I still need a little more time. Then again, we never get to choose when this stuff happens, so all we can do is be open to it when it does and not let stupid shit – like patterns – get in the way.

So What'cha Want


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