Bumble Brags – The Hive has Spoken

Now that we’ve established how bad dating in your 40’s is , I’m going to get a little snarky. No, make that a lot snarky; and show you what the fuck we have to deal with.  To be fair, I was dating someone for several months on and off, but we’re in different places emotionally and we’re better as friends.  I’m not giving up hope on dating, I’m just not in love with this dating app process.

I’m on two apps, the queen bee Bumble, and the lesser known Coffee Meets Bagel {you’re the coffee, he’s the bagel, it’s kind of cute and a little more serious than Bumble.}  I tried Tinder briefly, but the quality of men was yuck.  I can go hang out at the local 7-11 and meet the same guys.  That being said, I know people who have met a special someone on Tinder, it just wasn’t for me.

Bumble is a swipe left, swipe right love fest where if a match is made, the woman has to make initial contact.  This is bad for me as I’m horrible about making the first move, but I’ve gotten better.  Progress.

Coffee Meets Bagel {CMB} moves much slower.  Each day, they send you one match that meets all your requirements.  You can have a lot of requirements on this app, and I do.  That usually means I’m sent people I’m not matched to because I have too many restrictions, but these are guys CMB thinks I would like, and most of the time, I don’t.

There is also a Discover section of people who have liked you, but who don’t meet your requirements.  Occasionally, it’s okay.  Most of the time though, you get the 50 year-old guy who likes you, who’s hobbies include “long boarding down river trails while getting stoned.”  I can’t make this shit up.  It’s for real.

I’ve had minimal luck on both, and I’ve broken both of them multiple times.  In a tweet, Bumble told me I need to change my age and distance parameters.

There was nothing to check out in Discover 🙁

If I wanted different age and distance parameters, wouldn’t I have set them that way in the first place?  I told Bumble I probably need to change myself first, as apparently I’m way too picky.  But, I compromised something that was important to me in my last long term relationship and look how well that turned out.  It turned out so well, I get to deal with this.

Welcome to my life:

FWB (Friends with Benefits)

Old guys love me.  This problem has plagued me my entire adult life.  I look about 10 years younger than my age, and the older I’ve gotten, the worse it’s gotten.  My friend told me I was arm candy, I told him they want to fulfill some teenage dream.  I don’t know what the truth is, and I’m not interested in finding out.

This guy was 10 years older than me, wore a shirt in his profile with his favorite sex position on it, and said he was searching for a FWB.  He also wants you to know he’s GGG {Good, Giving and Game in bed} and DDF {Drug and Disease Free.}  Yes, I had to Google both of those.

He will wine you, dine you and 69 you, and you can rest assured you won’t get super gonorrhea in the process.  Needless to say, I passed.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service

The shirtless mirror selfie.  The bane of every woman’s existence and they’re EVERYWHERE on dating apps. Hey, I can appreciate a good body, but unless I’m already dating you, you shouldn’t show your hand before it’s dealt.

Is it me, or is this guy in a McDonald’s bathroom?


This guy possibly has bigger boobs than me. It would never work out.


He couldn’t fully commit to going shirtless, which means he can’t commit in life. Also, his job was life coach.

Yes, I know you work out.  Yes, I know you have a mirror in your bathroom, or at the gym, or you prefer a public restroom mirror.  I also know I need to swipe left immediately.

Wood You Please Stop

These are my favorite and they speak for themselves.

My wood is bigger than yours


He likes you! Of course he does. His wood is the biggest of them all.


He doesn’t have wood, but he has a hog. This picture screams I can’t wait to bring you home to meet my mom.

Bumble can be a lot of fun, but obviously it can be a huge waste of time as well.  I have to admit, it gets addicting, and it feels like a game sometimes.  And believe me, I know this goes both ways.  I’ve matched with a couple of people who deleted the match before a conversation even happened.  I have high standards for the people I choose to bring into my life, and I’m not apologizing for it.

Happy Bumbling!  Next time, I’ll tell you about the time I was catfished…


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