From: Angela Jones
Subject: Don’t Waste My Time
Date: July 22, 2013 09:33 PDT
To: E L James
Dear Mrs. James,
You are one dirty bird. You either have a very happy hubby or you are one very sad wife. I wish I could say that your mommy porn was written with skill and a masterful hand. But, alas, it is porn, which quite frankly doesn’t take much skill (it does, however require a masterful hand.)
Really? Did you have to waste my time with “Fifty Shades Freed?” What a bunch of crap. You were grasping at bamboo sticks to keep this story going. Okay, okay, Christian and Ana love to have sex. And they have sex in lots of different places. And occasionally, they use lots of different toys. But, honestly, it starts to become redundant.
You and I are just going through the motions with this book. While reading it, my mind kept wandering – I needed to iron, bathrooms needed to be cleaned, I had vacuuming and laundry. Oh and, don’t forget swim lessons and music class. Hmmm, what should I make for dinner?
Oh, I’m supposed to be paying attention to Christian and Ana. What’s happening? Okay, they’re having sex. Wait, did I set the DVR to record “The Bachelorette”? I hope so. I wonder who Des will pick? I really like Brooks but I don’t know. Those teasers are so teasing and confusing. Why is Des crying?
Oh wait, Christian and Ana. There’s a car chase. What has Ana gotten herself into this time? Gasp, I think she’s going to die. She’s safe. Christian saved her. Whew. It’s over. Okay, now I can get back to my life. We’re all free now. The cuffs are off.
Ironing done, bathrooms clean, swimming class and music class complete, shepherd’s pie for dinner, DVR set to record “The Bachelorette.” It’s all good. Now, Mrs. James, if you really wanted to make this worth my time, you would’ve written an entire book from Christian’s point of view. That was some funny stuff. Unfortunately, I had to read 555 pages of sh** to get to it.
Well, ironically, I’m all out of Woody’s and Mommy Porn. I guess I’ll just have to wait for Christian on the big screen. The really big screen.